First, thank you all for the kind words and support from my last post. It makes it a lot easier to continue to be open and honest about my journey with mental health and depression when I am part of such a welcoming community.
Today I wanted to expand on my “New year’s resolution.” I’m not big on thinking January 1st has special powers, but rather, every goal has to start someday. If you haven’t started a goal or intention lately, maybe today (or tomorrow) is your day.
My word for the year is Courage. Merriam-Webster defines it as: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. I must agree, that is exactly what I am after. I am digging deep to uncover my fears this year and face them head on. I will not allow fear, or any of it’s pieces such as anxiety, worry, stress, perfectionism, guilt and all those other things, dictate who am and what I will accomplish.
I am going to tackle this year as a realist. I will take it on with honest expectations. I will give myself grace. I will count my steps as progress and growth no matter what outcome is produced.
I will choose each day to live as my most authentic, loyal, brave, honest and positive self.
I am very aware that this frame of mind and intention is something new for me and will take practice. I use my self-talk to stop my thought process several times a day. I simply say to myself, “These are not helpful thoughts and you need to choose your attitude better.” I am choosing to stay in the positive. I understand how ridiculous that may sound. Full of baloney. I am not trying to be egotistical or self-righteous here. I believe that there are lots of people in the world who manage their though processes in a positive manner naturally. They are able to separate their ideas on the world and their personal reflections. I am not one of these people. I cannot put the breaks on it. When a negative though enters, it manifests and festers until it has overtaken all other thoughts. I get stuck in a hamster wheel of negativity. So, I’m practicing and and I’m working on it. I am valuing myself and the worth that I bring to the world.
Let me share a small example of the work I’m putting in along with how my weekend has went. Yesterday evening we were made aware of an issue steaming from a farm accident that happened over a year and a half ago, on the way home from church our truck died in the middle of the highway during a sever winter storm and tow ban, and lastly (hopefully, lastly!) we had a steer injure his foot quite significantly. One of my current battles is how I feel about and view our farm. While it’s an amazing place to raise our children, it also creates a lot of stress in our lives. Farming is expensive and takes a lot of time. It’s hard. I was not brought up in this lifestyle and it’s been a much harder adjustment then I ever imagined. So these three hiccups would have previously set off a major spiral of “I hate this farm,” “I want to move to town,” “I can’t do this any more,” and flat out, “I’m done!” But I know this farm is my husband’s dream, my children’s passion and a healthy overall lifestyle. So I am working to change my thoughts. Every life has challenges. No matter where you are, you will be challenged. I am still blessed- We have a home, transportation and deep support. None of these issues are things we could have predicted nor could we have changed them. We can only face them, adjust and handle that s***! I am not alone. My husband is so strong and steadfast. He holds my world on his shoulder and he will never let it fall.
I am choosing to take these crappy situations, feel the anger, frustration and disappointment that comes with them. And I am choosing to end those feelings at this point. I will not continue to carry them into tomorrow. When the situation becomes something I can change or manipulate, then I will worry and stress over it. Until that time, I will focus on the positives in my life.
I choose Courage.