Today during nap time I was watching “The View”. (Yes, our nap time is at 10:00 in the morning because we get up at 4:30…) They had a segment called ‘love or lust’. The attention getting line was that a relationship should be based on lust not love. I thought I’d weigh in.
As I like to do, I’ll start with the back story of my own relationship. First, I kissed alot of frogs in my day, A LOT! I had being seeing a guy and was quite confident he was not being faithful. So I joined an online dating site and sure enough, one of the first people that showed up was him. That ended that relationship. I wasn’t interested in looking for another guy, but thought I’d leave up my profile and see if anyone contacted me. This led to meeting my husband. After about two months of dating we were engaged, 53 weeks after meeting, we were married. We have three kids before our fourth anniversary. On our fourth anniversary (fifth from dating) I will have been pregnant 40% of our relationship. Take that in a moment…
Needless to say, it’s been a whirlwind! And it’s wonderful. We have a great bond. But that’s because we work on it.
Back to love vs lust. Love is absolutely the root of a relationship. In many languages there are several words for the English “love”. Love has so many meanings. I love my phone and I love best friend and I love my husband. Those are all true statements and yet very different kinds of love. Each takes care and attention. But it’s not the start. I do believe you need a spark. I’ve tried to date guys that were wonderful human beings, but there wasn’t the spark. The physical, primal attraction. It needs to be there. Ultimately, our bodies are made to make new little bodies. If you aren’t physically attracted, it’s alot harder to make the babies! It’s a fact! So it starts with lust. But the lust must continue. The show talked about mystery in lust vs familiar in love. I think this is a wonderful point! There are very few things that Ross doesn’t know about me and very few things I don’t know about him. I’ve never been closer to anyone. This also means that the mystery factor can lack at times.
Thinking back to the dating days, there is alot that I’m so glad I never have to do again. But I do miss the mystery. Learning about this person you care for so much. Waiting and hoping for all the firsts. The excitement of surprising them in just the right way to get that smile you love so much. You don’t love them yet, you couldn’t. Love takes time to build. You need confidence to trust. You need knowledge of their past, roots in their present, and reason to grow into their future. But the lust is deep in the beginning. The lust runs strong!
This mystery doesn’t have to die just because you’ve put months, years or decades into the relationship. For a successful relationship, you must create new mystery!
A few ways Ross and I do this are mystery dates. One of us plans a date full of surprises. I’ve written about our Date Day Challenge before (finish reading, then look then up). Just knowing that my spouse put in all the thought is exciting and invigorating. Having a surprise up my sleeve and watching their anticipation is a great mood enhancer. We make mystery!
I love my husband more than anyone in my life. He is completely everything to me. I want him to always be that person for me. I’ll be his mystery to always be his constant.
Lust is a needed part in a successful relationship. Keep your mystery alive!