Depressed Mom: Desire vs. Ability

I talked a bit on this in my last post. How depression affects my ability to accomplish the tasks in life I want to accomplish.

I’ve talked before about being a dreamer. I’m am a great idea generator. Let me clarify. I am great at generating ideas. I like to be a problem solver. I like to imagine the new and exciting. I like to cultivate possibilities that are far beyond my reach. My mind is built to expand.

My emotions just don’t know how to keep up.

I deeply want to be a type A, extrovert, non-stop, always on the go, mover and shaker. I want to be the go-to person to get it all accomplished. I want people to say my name when they need a leader.

But I’m not.

I am good at ideas. I am bad at action. When my brain gets flooded with ideas, the rest of me simply gets flood. My feet get buried in mud and muck. The waves overtake my body. I gasp for air, unable to move. My lung fill with water and in an instant, I’m drowning.

This experience is unbearable when it’s just my life that is effected. It’s completely excruciating when this affects my family.

I want to be a pintrest worthy mom. I want to be the soccer coach and baseball ref. I want to say “YES! Let’s do it!” when they ask to join a club or group. I want to be involved in their life. I want to be a helicopter mom.

But I’m not.

I cannot maintain the motivation, energy, or stamina. I don’t have the ability to do that. And it hurts every day, when they are in bed, I’m completely exhausted and I look around at all the things I didn’t do.

I didn’t finish the dishes. I didn’t pick up the toys. I forgot about the homework. We didn’t read book. They didn’t get a shower in. I didn’t prep the lunches. The floor is covered with sand. There is spilled milk on the counter. We ran out of tooth paste and stamps. I haven’t paid the dental bill. I failed. again.

I can’t keep up. This life is so hard and no matter how much effort I put forth, I just can’t get a grip on it. The illness wins. My family suffers. I lose.

I will continue to harvest,

Leah